What someone would do to bring another back from the past.

May always hated that her first memory was of her father. Milo Pascal had been coming home, telling everyone in the family that Christina’s uncle had just died. He’d worked as an automobile mechanic in Manchester, Connecticut, and during the tuning of his own car, it exploded. It was an instant death. One without pain and suffering. That seemed to be the only solace May would ever give her first best friend, but the two would eventually fall off. Christina nor her cousin would never be the same. May wasn’t even sure if she had a single number from their family anymore.

May’s second memory was of her mother, Mila Mei, painting her nails before a birthday. May could never recall who’s birthday it was. It was a peaceful memory, one that almost seemed trapping, for she wasn’t sure if she had fabricated it. If so, it was a fabrication that meant only to give pain to her third memory.

On September 11 2001 the Twin Towers would fall and May would lose her parents.

It was June 12th 2011, now. Almost ten years after the cataclysmic incident. Exactly a month after her 20th birthday. Almost drinking age, which meant that drinking soon wouldn’t be as fun anymore. May never drank to get drunk. She drank to break the rules. Many would have been surprised to learn this about her considering her appearance.

Large black glasses with a dream catcher pendant from her grandmother and a necklace she made in the shape of Vivi from FF9 for middle school art class, a sweater in summer, an absolute relic around her neck that was her mother’s SONY walkman. Kaylee would always tell her that she was made for the beach because of her inability to get hot, how short she was, and her darker complexion, but May couldn’t find enjoyment in the advantage.

Her room wasn’t much different from her, littered with figurines and posters from Halo, Zelda, and Final Fantasy. She was a large fan of RPGs as her mother was. Yes, it was unconventional.

If the woman was still alive, she would, of course. But probably a scream, demand, or mumble regarding where May had misplaced the cutlery, keys, or comb. May missed the loudness of her mother.

The woman’s form was kept within a frame by her bedside. After all, May’s bedroom became the master bedroom when there was no one to sleep in it, but there wasn’t too much to a master bedroom in an apartment in Manhattan.

Thanks to aphantasia May didn’t get to see her mother when she wasn’t in her mother’s bed. It was impossible. May couldn’t see anything she wasn’t looking at. Not the streets behind her. Not her dog. Not her best friend, Kaylee. She made stickers out of photos and stuck them on her backpack or skateboards instead.

Aphantasia was a handicap of sorts. It prevented anyone with it from visualizing images. Not much was known about the condition, probably due to its extreme rareness, and things that came in little quantities were often overlooked. Especially in the big city. May had learned this being the “quiet girl” in class. 

Abuello’s kitchen puttering snapped May fully from her glazed trance skimming the bright dust in the window’s beam.

The man was quiet, looked much younger than he was, and yet he was always downcast, a little slow on the uptake. Blue bear slippers, a baseball cap, and plaid robes never left his body. If he left to go waddling around somewhere, he wasn’t going to change his clothes. Always, always, the man was in his pajamas.

“Don’t make the coffee. I make it better.” May said.

May turned to her laboratory on the countertop. A french press, a wheel grinder, a conical burr grinder, the highest rated espresso machine by independent reviewers, a set of brushes, clothes, and solutions to clean steam wands, and finally, her abuelo’s drip coffee maker, which was about the only thing he knew how to use.

Her abuelo’s hand reached for that one. May swatted it away. He swatted her back. They paddled each other’s wrists and forearms yelling broken spanish.

“If I don’t make coffee, I will forget how to do it!” Her abuelo yelped.

“You’re not that old.”

“It’s not old age that gets people mija, it’s old thinking.”

They both started making their own cups. Java, Catuai, Maragogipe, Bourbon, and Geisha were those set at the front. May reached for the Typica and began her process.

You could learn how much a person loved themselves by how well they could describe their experience. Often this correlated very much with how they treated other people, and for May, who was limited in her ability to imagine things, describing taste was often the best way to connect with people. She could make a simple cup of joe in a thermal to learn how often they recognized spices like cinnamon, what they did in the morning, and even if they valued their sense of taste at all.

Often they didn’t. They just went with whatever everyone else was saying, with no real strong opinion except that the majority was right.

May’s abuelo herded her to their kitchen table as soon as they finished, serving her little plates of bollos.

“For you.” He said.

“Who else would it be for?” May asked.

“Your fish.”

“They died like a month ago.”

“Because you fed them.”

May conceded the point and finished breakfast quickly, wanting to get out of the house. She needed to leave. She needed to do something. Cookie was sleeping by the bathroom door, remaining asleep even after May slid him gently out of the way. She cleaned up, called Kaylee, and turned on her desktop. It was WOW time.

“Maymay, you’re free today?” Kaylee asked, picking up.

“I’m free every day. Are you free?”

“High line in forty?”

Forty meant fifty, but unspoken agreement to be late by at least ten minutes was the one constant in May’s life that made her smile a bit. “Perfect.”

“Why do I hear music? Are you playing the First Fiction video game again? We spoke about this.”

“You mean Final Fantasy?”

“You can’t call it Final Fantasy if it’s the 20th one.” Kaylee replied. “Get three lattes on your way to my place. Steve’s here. He’ll pay you.”

“Why is Steve there?”

There was a hint of defensiveness in Kaylee’s voice. “Because he woke up early?”

May gave in even though she didn’t support Kaylee’s toxic relationship whatsoever. She waited for the train with full and shaky hands. It was delayed.

“The harder you try to control something, the harder it fights back. Staring at a sign ain’t gonna scare it to change.”

May took her eyes from the train schedule screen. She looked both ways. It was just her and a woman on a bench. She had a long leather trench coat, her face obscured by a black fedora.

“I’m just saying. You could be doing anything else. Reading a book, reading the news, reading is very good for you, you know. No need to rush things. All these TV shows pass people like a forgotten dream. It’s really not entertainment anymore really, not art. It’s just a sorry excuse to turn off the brain. Feel me?”

“I get headaches when reading while moving.” May laughed nervously.

“Maybe if you read more, you wouldn’t. Step away from the edge.”

A rushing wall of metal roared by May’s face. She stepped back, startled. She should not have been standing that close. Her brows raised at the woman as if to say “yeah good call”, but the woman seemed to have already boarded. She was gone. So much for not rushing.

Kaylee arrived ten minutes later than usual in a yellow fit. The girl was Italian, very athletic, and usually wore heels as thick as logs. She was nicer than she looked.

May quickly downed her latte, which was so cold, brittle, and sweet that it scorched. Rugburn for the throat. Not how she wanted to enjoy it. Not to mention Steve didn’t finish his when he met up with them. He didn’t pay May back either.

The tall, lanky, probably boneless boy was loitering around the edge of the street with his phone out for ten minutes. He didn’t explain why.

May stood waiting with Kaylee wondering what the hell they were doing. When she asked, she felt stupid.

“Four seats were ready.” Steve explained. “But the place doesn’t accept incomplete parties.”

But two seats are good enough. 

May withheld herself from saying that.

“But we weren’t incomplete.” May said instead.

“Castle.” Kaylee answered.

May thought she misheard. “Who?”

“Steve’s friend, Castle.”

“His name’s Castle?” May asked.

“Long story.” Steve answered.

For the next thirty minutes of waiting, “Castle” finally showed up. May wasn’t interested in the nickname, but he was certainly built like it. All his muscles were emphasized by clothing too tight for his own good. A toothpick seemed to magically stay in his mouth as he spoke, but upon closer inspection were some startling things. A Pikachu, a buster sword, and some other unrecognizable icon dangling from his hiker’s bag, which had the Zelda emblem on it.

My God.

He was the perfect guy.

Probably.

Probably not.

Big muscles made for a big ego, and the generalization was proven right when Castle led them into the restaurant and directed the waiter where to sit them. After briefly introducing Castle to everyone, Kaylee gave May a wink. May almost shook her head to herself. This clearly wasn’t going to work out.

May hoped it would, but it wouldn’t. She had a way of recognizing these things. Living with aphantasia gave her two things. A knack for observation was one of them. The second was her innate ability to replicate what she observed. What she observed was that their conversations were pretty boring. Old school drama, bad bosses, every problem but their own. Made for a great ego. May kept her eyes on her phone for most of it.

Castle peered over with interest, likely picking up on the background featuring Amano’s art. “Amano! Love his stuff. You going to comic con?”

“If I cosplayed, maybe. But not my thing.” May began slipping her phone into its pocket. “You know Amano?”

For a brief moment, it rang, but the caller vanished too quickly to read the number.

Probably a scam call.

This is how scam calls usually went for May:

“We’d like to renew your auto insurance.”

“I live in the city.”

“Your car-”

“I don’t have a car.”

May grinned a bit, she never said it, but she did want to just to get a kick from their next call.

A massive omelet was slid onto the table, Castle accepted it readily. He was the only one to order an omelet and pancakes, but he was still the first to finish them. He finished his coffee like it was water. He wasn’t enjoying the process of it at all. 

“Gotta get all my carbs in the morning, haven’t been hitting my protein since I got this bad cold a month ago.” Castle said.

The cold was probably so bad because the fool only rudimentarily took care of himself. He probably didn’t know for every extra pound he had was another extra tank for toxins to build up. It was totally unnecessary.

“You guys don’t eat a lot.” Castle added. “You three should definitely cosplay.”

May was unsure what that was supposed to mean. “Thanks. I’ve thought about it.”

“Which ones?”

“From which games?”

“Yeah.”

“I guess something from WOW. Obviously I can't do Maplestory even though it's more fun.”

“Holy shit. You played Maplestory?” Castle asked, wide-eyed, like he had just seen Jesus Christ walk across the street.

May suppressed a grin, and told the job her character was. “Dark Knight.”

“Hero.”

Of course, Castle picked a hero. He was idealistic.

“I played Battle Mage.” Steve said.

“You play?” May asked.

Kaylee threw her arms into the air. “Am I the only one who hasn’t played this god damned game?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah.”

“Mhmm.”

Kaylee scoffed, crossed her arms, puffing her cheeks. Acting cutesy. They talked some more, and Castle was into more than video games and eating. May fell off of the conversation. She wasn’t able to keep up with what was going on with social media, new stores, or what was happening in other countries. Maybe she was the one that wasn’t cool. She was the one who was close minded, and Castle was the least close minded person here.

She was the one who wasn’t cool.

The phone rang. May quickly picked it up. It was a good excuse to leave the table, and head outside to talk. She just wanted to get away for a bit. They were both intense people. Steve, as well dressed as he was, had about as much intensity to him as a wet noodle. He spoke like one too. May didn’t know what Kaylee saw in him.

The scattered clouds opened up to a blazing gold gap in the sky, where rain drifted gently down onto May’s cheeks. She was shocked. A single drop in her cheek and yet her whole body went cold at an inaudible mumbling. The voice was too familiar. It was a woman’s.

“Oh? Hello?”

“Ah! Sweetheart, I was afraid you’d changed your number.”

“Who is this?” May asked.

“Oh stop. How was school? How was prom? How is Kaylee doing?”

The question irked May, she hadn’t gone to prom. “Who are you?”

The woman gasped away from the speaker, there were some erratic mumbles in Spanish May couldn’t make out.

May hated herself a bit for that. “I’ll ask again before I hang up. This is May. Who are you?”

“Have you really forgotten my voice! Why I-”

May blanked, going deaf. Impossible. Both her parents died when the towers fell. She was ten when it happened, watching the TV in confused amazement until it struck her it wasn’t a prank. That the two titans were truly falling into the smokey obscurity of death. That her parents had gone there that day on that mysterious pre-honeymoon date that came out of nowhere. What was supposed to be a newly fixed marriage.

After that she’d been held back two years in school, held back from the dread. The bodies had never been found. It was a personal burial. One where May didn’t have to worry about holding tears in, and she was angry now. Angry at whoever would play this prank.

“Who the fuck are you?”

More mumbles, sad this time, then there was a reply. “Do I need to smack you with a spoon? Is my girl an amnesiac now? What sorts of people are you associating yourself with?”

What. May blanked again. A spiral of confusion and realization. Very few people knew she had aphantasia, or even what it was.

“Who always read to you a bit of “The Curse of Capistrano” before you left? Who binge watched that cartoon with you, Imarana? Dasayuno? What was it again?”

It was a mistake May’s mother always made. “Inuyasha.” She corrected. “And it’s not a cartoon, it’s an anime-” Her mouth froze, it was like talking to her actual mother.

This was her actual mother.

“AH! That’s what it was. But I didn’t call you to talk about hentai, mija.”

Jesus. Those were two very different things. May wasn’t sure where her mother got that from.

This is impossible. This had to be a mixup. Confusion of some kind. Nevertheless, May texted Danny to come immediately. He was a family friend. Actually, just family. Her father’s best friend. Her Godfather really. Danny was supposed to pick her up later, but she needed him now. Maybe he knew what was happening.

“Miha, I was trying to reach you.” Her mother’s voice became serious quickly, and soon paced with quick breaths filled with whispered desperation as if she were being chased. “I was trying to reach you for a really long time. It was a dark place, but a good friend helped me. I was confused. Now I’m here. And I thought you were. But you’re not. I found this pay phone and called you, thank Arbanet I remembered your number.”

“Mom, where are you?”

“Jay Street MetroTech.”

That was oddly specific. May’s mother had never been good with the MTA. It was suspicious she had answered so quickly. For a brief moment there was suspended faith, but this was foolish.

Maybe she’d been hospitalized since the towers fell, and then fell into a coma where people couldn’t identify her. Or perhaps she ran away for some reason? No, neither of those made sense. May was already rushing down the street to the nearest station, her head popping with new questions. She was excited, perhaps even a bit scared.

May got to the MTA, cursed as she realized she had no fare on her card and rushed to the ticket machine. Then she hopped onto a line of five people. This was stupid. She wasn’t waiting for these bums. She left to the kiosk with an actual person in it, and swiftly waved a twenty before she just dove under the turnstiles. She was never so scatterbrained. She had to get a hold of herself. She shouldn’t be setting herself up for tragic heartbreak like this. She jumped the last two steps to the platform and was struck by the stinking hot wind of an arriving train.

May was in luck, she checked her phone, her mom was still on. “Hello?”

“Yes mija, I’m here.”

“I’m coming.”

“Don’t rush, mija”

May frowned. “Why do you sound scared?”

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. May turned to sit on the train and then saw a big fat N. Why was there an N?

Oh no.

Horror overcame May, escaped the pincer grip of the train doors and bolted back to the platform. The N train was running on this station and that meant things weren’t normal. Nothing was normal on NY’s train system. Never. She’d have to double check the train was heading to the right station, and after she scanned the map and found that the N train was running to Jay Street MetroTech, she cursed herself. She’d gotten off the correct train.

“Mija, where did you learn all these new words? College hasn’t started yet.”

The next moment Kaylee called her. May hung up. Kaylee called again. May hung up. Kaylee called again. May cursed and answered, telling her to meet her at the train station immediately and that it was life-threatening if she called one more time.

May made sure she was still on the line with her mom. “Hello?”

“Yes I’m here.”

“I don’t know if I’m going to college mom.”

Kaylee, Castle, and Steve came barreling down the steps, disbelief and agitation on their faces.

“My mom is alive. I think she was lost. A- A missing person.” May said, returning to the phone. “Mom? Are you there?”

“Yes mija, I’m here.”

“Good.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to come. I just wanted to hear your voice. That’s all.”

“Why is it not a good idea? Are you safe?”

“I think it’s not a good idea because it’s cold down here. Am I safe? How am I supposed to know that? What if I went into cardiac arrest? You screaming into the phone like that!”

Cold? May thought it was odd on a June day of glorious gold and yellow. Especially where all the heat of machine and earth got stuffed inside the metro station. Maybe Jay Street MetroTech had the conditioning on, which was, admittedly, never.

“I’m sorry.” May said to her mother, trying to purge herself of panic. “This is all just so much. Not too much. Just a lot. You know?”

“Yes mija, I know.”

Kaylee covered her gaping mouth, recognizing the voice. She turned to May. May nodded. Kaylee quickly waved everyone into the newly arrived C train as if the world was ending. She probably couldn’t believe it either. The last time she’d seen May’s mom was after chicken nuggets, macaroni, and an argument about whether Obi-Wan Kenobi could beat Charizard and Batman.

“Apologies for the inconvenience.” The conductor over the train’s speakers gargled. “Due to train traffic ahead we are experiencing some delays.”

“The Metro can suck my balls.” Castle said.

“Exactly bro, fuck the metro bro.” Steve said.

The phone disconnected. Of course. May knew something was wrong and now she’d just confirmed it. She had no way of calling her mom back. The call history said unknown. Great. May cursed beneath her breath. The doors finally closed with a ding, then two hands stopped, peeling them open with old man military strength.

It was Danny, an older fellow in his 50s swooping in with a sturdy hunch, rumpled plaid suit, and gray fedora as if he’d just escaped a 1950s film noir movie. He spoke smoothly like one too. Skilled. Smart. Quick to the point. He raised his arms, shrugging at her, eyes wide and mouth open as he waited for an answer.

“Maymay! What the hell are we doing?” He asked, tapping his watch. “You said six. I thought this was an emergency. Where are you going?”

He was practically everything May wanted to be.

“How did you know we came down?” May asked.

“Kaylee must have picked up half your brains and texted me.” Danny’s brows furrowed, his face’s wrinkles deepening as she saw May’s expression was now dark. “What’s wrong?”

The doors closed. May explained as best as she could what she thought was happening, or or what could be happening, which wasn’t very much. Danny just sat down, lips puckered in a scowl, hands pressed together as he leaned over his knees ruminating.

Jay Street Metrotech signs began to pass, but they kept rolling by. The train didn’t stop. May cursed. Not this shit. Not today.

“We’ve been bamboozled.” Danny remarked. “It’s ok. We’ll catch an A train back uptown.”

They watched several other stations roll by.

“Bad karma.” Danny said. “May, did you murder someone today?”

May thought the idea wonderful, as long as that person was whoever was in charge of the MTA. “No, but I might.”

Danny grinned. The train stopped at Nostrand Av. A couple dozen people left the train with them.

Steve looked at them in amazement. “Am I the only one confused here?”

“Confusion is a state of mind.” Danny said. “Watch.” He got the attention of a man, frowning. “How did you know the train was getting off at Nostrand?”

The man raised his brows. “Oh, I actually had no clue. They change lines all the time. After enough letdowns you stop asking questions. ” He laughed.

May figured, if there was anything that bound the mixing pot of religion, colors, and personalities of NY, it was the mutually shared hate for the MTA. The center of all evil. Actually no, that was a symptom of bad government.

“So, this isn’t your station?” Danny asked.

“Nope! I’m getting my grandfather to pick me up.”

Danny’s mouth fell open. “Grandfather? How old are you?”

“19.” The young man said, probably finding Danny strange and quickly turning to leave up the stairs.

Danny was left scratching his head. “Kids are looking older by the decade. I think it’s the air quality. But you see my point?” He turned around and presented his earlier case. “If you don’t care, nobody else will either.”

When the next train came, May and her company were the only ones to board. It was a surreal feeling. To see a smooth blue of seating with not a person on it. They weren’t alone for long though.

The rhythmic rolling of the wheels had been interrupted by one extremely confused old woman asking for directions. “Which train is this?”

“A.” Kaylee answered.

“A.” Castle repeated.

“A what?” The old woman asked.

Everyone shook their heads.

Danny pointed to the “A” on the window. “It’s the A train mam.”

“A train. I know that. What do you think I am? Stupid?”

“No, old.” Steve mumbled.

The old woman cupped her ear. “Huh? What did you say?”

Danny snarled beneath his breath. “Hey, asshole, show some respect.”

“Excuse me!” The old woman cried. “Don’t ever use such language in front of children!”

Danny covered his face with his hand, dragging the skin down before rolling his eyes towards May. Kaylee explained as best she could what the metro was, but the lady left swiftly for the next car without a clear reason. It’s not like going to the next car got you anywhere faster.

After that, an announcement boomed. “IT IS AGAINST THE RULES TO RIDE OR WALK BETWEEN TRAIN CARS, UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY OR IF YOU ARE DIRECTED TO BY A POLICE OFFICER OR AN MTA-”

The voice was cut off by a loud slamming of the connecting doors, a reasonable-looking man stepped in wearing baggy cargo shorts and a tanktop, and then he screamed. “YOU ALL BETTER BE CAREFUL. BROTHERS AND SISTERS. WE GOTTA BE CAREFUL WE GOTTA BAND TOGETHER. IT’S DANGEROUS OUT THERE. WOLVES!  WOLVES! WOLVES! PEOPLE ARE WOLVES! THEY ARE DANGEROUS! THEY USE YOU. THEY’LL KILL YOU. THEY WILL TAKE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. THEY AREN’T REAL HUMANS. THEY’RE FAKE.” He left to the next connecting doors, opened then, and then lowered his voice before taking his leave. “Thank you, thank you, and God bless.”

May watch the doors close behind him, and she wondered if that old lady would be alright. The doors opened again, and she wondered if this was a circus show. Of course she felt bad for lost people, crazy people, and poor people. After all, she was one of those things, if not all three. She limited who saw it to herself. But sometimes she had to ask. Was this a circus show?

The next man was sadly homeless, yet beamed a radiant smirk. Dressed in worn ragged clothing that was draped in some kind of soiled cloth. But he didn’t smell bad. Just old. And he had a cane he was tapping in conjunction with his feet to make a harmonious song.

“This song says, no matter who you are,

No matter where you go in your life

At some point you're going to need

Somebody to stand by you.

Oh yeah! Oh my darlin' stand by me!

No matter who your are, no matter where you go in life

You gon' need somebody, to stand by you.

No matter how much money you got, or the friends you got,

You gon' need somebody, to stand by you.”

The man finished, then began asking for spare change. Unfortunately, May only carried card. Castle and Kaylee shook their heads in silence. Danny gave some money, but Steve didn’t even look.

“Don’t you owe me for the lattes?” May asked.

“I forgot my money at home.” Steve said.

May frowned.

The man, if he was homeless, was a better singer than most celebrities. Yet another message from this world that selling was better than being.

The train halted to a slow at Jay Street MetroTech. May got off. Everyone followed, looking for a woman by a payphone.

May thought about it for a moment. “Are there payphones in MTA?”

“I don’t think so.” Kaylee said.

“No.” Castle assured.

Castle was overconfident, May ignored the input. But it was strange, she wasn’t seeing any payphones. Even if it wasn’t her mother, which it had to be, she had to call from something, right?

The question drove may forward as she checked every inch of the platform. Nothing. The people from the train with them flooded, scattered, and then vanished upstairs to enjoy the summer day.

But it did grow cold.

An announcement boomed. “THE NEW YORK CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU: TO KEEP BELONGINGS IN SIGHT AND PLEASE STAY AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS.” It bumbled on for a little while longer, it was unnecessarily loud today.

“There’s no pay phones here.” Kaylee said.

“How is that possible?” May asked.

“Because this isn’t Jay Street Maymay.” Danny pointed to a sign that read “DeKalb Av”.

“How could that be?” May asked.

“Bad leadership. That’s how.” Danny said. “C’mon. One more try.”

Another stinking hot wind came with the next train.

“That was quick.” Castle said.

“Must be the C train.” Danny sniffed.

Steve glanced at May. “Don’t mess up this time.”

“How about tell me instead of blindly following?” May asked, eyeing the connection bars on her phone, hoping that they’d pop up and she’d get a call any moment.

It was a long ride to get one stop further, and when they reached the train station, something seemed off. It was freezing. Like a winter gale was sweeping every corner of the tunnels. The air didn’t stink though. It was fresh. Like rain. Humid, the subway filled with the strange smells of a dusty earth.

Then, May saw her.

Her mother.

The woman was sitting on the edge of the train platform, staring into the tracks, bundled in a coat and scarf that she had made herself, destroyed with the day of her once-death. The plaid red, black, and green was unmistakable. At first May thought she must have been crazy, it was really her. She was really there.

“Mom?” May asked, approaching.

A train was coming. Or maybe it wasn’t a train. May couldn’t see through the distant darkness. Her mom was just sitting there, not a care in the world.

May and Danny both rushed to the woman.

“Mom!” May cried. “Mom!”

Two bright white eyes, empty like a demon’s, piercing the cradling shadows at a blinding speed. It thundered across the tracks, and before May knew it, she’d grabbed onto her mother, and saw her eyes.

They were once diamonds, but they were dull now, and it was clear why.

May’s mother was already dead.